`*; In the shadow of the valley of D E A T H **

2006-01-24T04:58:00.000-08:00

FUCK OFF!

:)

epitaph

2006-01-23T22:24:00.000-08:00

I'm deleting this blog.

Because it's so dead, and I bet noone that I've linked up to ever read my blog anyway.
Also because I know people don't like reading my depressed thoughts and of course, about my leg.

I'm just gonna stick to my LiveJournal.
It's 'Friends Only'.

For those who know the url, good for you.
Probably because I like you.

If you don't then, well, I don't like you. So stop being a busybody and get on with life.

So yeah, this blog will be deleted maybe today, or some other day. Depending on how much free time I have.

Till then,
I hope you're happy.
Bye, shitheads!

insert stupid titles here.

2006-01-22T05:53:00.000-08:00

I rule if you follow.
I spit if you swallow.

-

Oh yeah, I cannot stand kerek people.
I cannot stand fake people. More.

iGallop.

2006-01-21T04:37:00.000-08:00

iGallop is the most stupid product I've ever seen.

Seriously.
It looked more porno than an exercise machine.
I mean, with girls gyrating their hips like riding on a you-know-what.
Geez.
I wonder what's the purpose of that product. Hmm.

-

Okay, I realised that this entry is fuckin senseless.

-

Hope everyone had a kickass day.
Happy igalloping

to all my friends. or used to be friends.

2006-01-16T23:39:00.000-08:00

Isn't it sad that you have people coming to you for advise and then fuck off thereafter?
Isn't it more tragic when noone is there for you when you need them the most? Even when all those while you're there for them?
Isn't it painful to know that you're alone and noone seems to notice your existence?

Yeah.
That sucks.
I believe that's what you said while you're reading the abovementioned.

But that's just how life works.

Friends will always come and go.
And I hate that.
In the year 2005, how many new friends have I gained? And at the same time, how many friends of mine have I lost?
The latter: countless.

The feeling of having a friend leaving me is excruciating.
Yes, I'd always give that "fuck care" attitude. But you know what, deep inside of me, I'm crying. It breaks my heart to have an empty space in me, which was once occupied by you.

I miss you; miss all the smses you sent me telling me how good or bad your day was.
Have you forgotten those times where you would tell me that you love me and said we'll be bestfriends for eternity?
But I guess I shouldn't mourn for you, for I believe you've had the memory of me erased from your memory.
And how could we be bestfriends when we're not even friends now?

Perhaps you've found some new friends. I have too. But I will never forget you. However I know you might have forgotten me. Do you even know how painful it is to utter the word "forgotten"?

Maybe it's my fault that you left.

But if you're reading this, I wish you all the best in your life.
I hope that you're happy where you are now.
And if you were ever to come back into my life, just know that I'll accept you with open arms.

I miss you, my dear.
I miss you so. I really do.

-

I guess at the end of the day, I only have myself to blame for all my friends' disappearance.

gomen nasai.

2006-01-16T01:31:00.000-08:00

Watashi ga kitte mo, tada kutabireta egao wo miseru dake de kotaete kuremasen. Shinpai de shikata nai desu.

Gomen ne tousan, kaasan.
Shinpai sasete gomen nasai. Gomen nasai. Gomen nasai...

-

Fuan nante sukoshi mo nakatta ai suru hito ga issho desu kara.

-

Have fun figuring out what I said.
:)

I want to rant. don't like, don't read.

2006-01-12T03:02:00.000-08:00

Watched TabTV yesterday.
The topic brought up: mutilators.

Yeah. Me. Last time.

But I'm fine now. Hadn't harm myself since, say, February '05?
Quite an accomplishment.
Then again, it doesn't mean that I'm totally fine and happy and shits like that.
I still have my depression relapse. Just that I chose not to harm myself.

To think that I've actually recovered, that's just something that I badly wanna believe.
But look..
I still am envy of people who got perfect pair of legs, who got cliques of their own... and shits like that.
I'm trying hard to learn not to hate myself. You know, try to love myself. And stop comparing myself to others. Very hard job to do.

Am I overly sensitive?

Here's a couple of example to why I think I am.
1) When my mom puts essential things (like glass of water, spectacles, etc) far beyond my reach, I would get agitated. And I'll be like "why put so far when they obviously know I can't fucking move more than 2 inches?"

I feel somewhat, like breaking down, cos I can't do a simple thing like reaching for my glass of water on the sidetable.

2) When I asked my bro to pass me something and he'll go like "go take yourself". I know he's kidding. But sort of, offended me, cos I feel like a veggie. Not able to do anything without one's help.

I hate depending on people.
Oh dear God, I really feel like my patience level is taking its toll.

-

Why am I so impulsive?
Why do I always get pissed easily?
Why can't I even do a simple thing like drinking water properly without spilling it all over?

I've tried controlling myself not to cry. Not to show my weakness to anyone.
But you know what, I'm tired of pretending and thinking that I'm any strong. Because I really am not.

I really really badly feel like breaking down.

Why did I go on with the surgery in the first place?
Look at me now, the aftermath.
I'm such a mess. A total wreck. A weaklink. A veggie (oh God, how awful that word sounds).
Look at me. I'm so left out from everyone and everything.
Everyone already got a life, and new school and shits of that kind.
While I got nothing except pain and a heavy heart that's fill with tears which I've contained for so long.

It's 2006. I'm turning 19 at the end of this year.
My teenage life is leaving really soon.
And I hardly got a chance to live it.

Fuck this fucking miserable morass!

bastard!

2006-01-05T02:21:00.000-08:00

I HATE PEOPLE ACCUSING ME OF THINGS THAT I DO NOT DO.

This is directed to some fuckhead who thinks he's so goddamn holy at myspace.

FUCK YOU, SON OF A BITCH!
I badly hope you'll die in some war with Osama Bin Laden!

haiz

2006-01-04T05:23:00.000-08:00

I miss Paul.
Really, really miss him.

Where on this bloody planet are you?????

I miss you, poophead!
Please, I beg you, stop your unrock'n'roll habit!

My bestest cyber friend, I fucking miss you!

a wish to all.

2005-12-31T00:03:00.000-08:00

Just thought I post something non-angsty/non-self-loathing.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FIENDS!

-

I miss Bobbie and Paul.
I love you people.

-

*off to make them signs*

aa.. kanashimi yo sayounara!

2005-12-29T22:36:00.000-08:00

Konnichi wa, minna-san!

I am here again to rant about, yes, my leg.
Beware: this can be quite hazardous to the receptors. It might even damage the synapses of a sane person.

Read on if you dare take the risk.

-

January is coming in 2 days.
Then soonafter, it'll be the day of my medical checkup.
I badly, so really badly, hope that doc won't make a finalised decision to send me for another surgery.
A bone grafting surgery, to be exact.

If I do have to go for it, then I'll take some more time to recover.
Dear Lord, I am very very very exhausted in waiting for recovery. I am very worn out of pain; it's funny cos I find it so deceiving. The thought of wanting to be in a much better condition is so deceiving.
Well, because I can never get the life I want.
I can never be like other people.
Sure, someday I'll recover. But, my leg is still gonna be shorter than the other. I used to have like 10cm+ shortness of the right leg to the left one. After much pain, I'll have like 3cm shorter.

The nightmare is: I'm still gonna fucking limp!
*gasp*
*sobs*
*slaps ownself*

Fuck!
Why????????????
Why are you so unfair to me God?????

-

On another sad note, since it's gonna take a damn long time to recover, I should just forget about entering NAFA and my dreams of becoming a graphic designer.
If you people do not know, school commends in July and the application is in February till April.
I still doubt the fact that I'll be well enough to go school by then.
Sure I have the qualification needed by them, but what if I need to go for an interview or something?
You don't expect me to come in an ambulance now do you?

-

I'm typing way too much.
*sigh*
I just don't have anyone to talk to about this.
Even if I do, they'll just say "everything will be just fine."
You know what, that's a fucking deceiving advise I've ever heard!
No, it won't be fine because.. *sigh*

-

Maybe when I finally recover, I should just work.
Reapply as a manicurist (shut up, it's not a bimbo job), then maybe take part-time diploma?

-

Shit, what's the point of studying?
What's the point of suffering?
What's the point of life?
What's the point of everything?

-

God really is a sadist.
*sigh*
I'm a Muslim. It's wrong to defy Him.
But..
....I'm just tired.
Of everything.

fuck this shit.

2005-12-26T23:15:00.000-08:00

This is probably the most boring blog you've ever read.

I mean, just look...
All I ever talked about was my leg.
My ever-so-fucked-up-right-leg.
And how much it hurts.
And quote whatever diagnosis my doctor have of it.
And of course, the oh-so-annoying rant about how much I wished to be just like other teenagers, out and having fun, with noone laughing at the awkward way I walk.
And how much it hurts to live a day with this trauma still haunting me constantly.

Everyone else got a blog talking about their bands, their upcoming gigs, who they hang out with today, yesterday, the day before. Or talk about how amazing their love lives are. Or how much they fuckin miss their significant other.

And me...
About my pain-in-the-ass right-fuckin-leg!

Everyone else got a life to write about.
But I only got a leg to write about. Yes, a leg. A fuckin leg!
To think that, is there even anyone who gives a flying fuck about the progress of my recovery? Or to be specific, about my leg?

-

I have the answer.

-

No.
Why?
Because it's boring. It puts others to sleep. It's just... a leg.
And they don't give a shit about it, well, maybe except for me.
So what's the point of ranting about it on this very dead blog?
Pointless.

-

I honestly don't like the life I'm living.
Yes, I'm fuckin depressed.
But does anyone gonna care? Most definately, no.
Why?
Because I'm just a tinyass speck in this universe.

-

2005 is ending. 2006 is entering really soon.
Wow, another shitty year to live.
Congrats, Fariza, you're now a certified no-lifer-who-has-a-damn-boring-blog-which-basically-is-about-your-fucked-up-leg-and-your-woebegotten-thoughts-on-how-to-fit-in-this-cruel-world-that-hardly-even-notice-your-god-forsaken-existence.

hoe hoe hoe merrryyyy chrisstttmassss!

2005-12-25T07:02:00.000-08:00

Merry fucking christmas and a happy new fear, fiends!

Hope you get drunk and screw yourself over.
:)

-

I swear it's nothing personal.

make a star out of myself

2005-12-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

I'm trying hard not to think about the surgery.
Trying hard not to get carried away thinking, and then get depressed and all those nasty shits.
I must live up to Mummy Maria's expectation of me.

-

I am soooooo in love with DSI's Make A Star now.
I even have it on my myspace page.
I searched for that song for so long, but good thing Hast sent it over, so I'm very very verrrryyyy pleased.
Merci, Monsieur!

-

Mom bought satays for me and bro. Excellent!
Reminds me of the fantasy chat Ling and I had about satays and Ville Valo. *giggles* Ling, I'm still waiting for that day, hehe.
But I don't understand what is the 'square' satay that Hast was talking about.
He was going "there's chicken, beef and a square one."
O_O
Haha!
So anyway, of course I ate the chicken one. Chickens rule. Big time like jell-o! ^_^

-

I think I'm talking nonsense.
Goodnight all!

haizzzz

2005-12-18T23:29:00.000-08:00

Went for checkup today.

Doc said the top part where the pins were removed is doing fine.
But the bottom part where the pins are still there, is taking a damn long time to heal.

Next month's checkup, he'll decided whether I should go for bone gratification (however fuck you spell that god-forsaken word).

Haiz.

I'm sad.

This whole process if really reeealllyyyy wearing me thin.

*sigh*

yeah baby

2005-12-17T06:13:00.000-08:00

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY, YOURS TRULY.

Hopefully I'll have a better life ahead.

JY, Ling, Aini, Alan, Luqman#1, Luqman#2, Jullian, Suria and whoever else who had wished me that I've forgot to mention, THANKS SO MUCH!

Also, Faezah and Ain, thank you very very very much for the get-together.
I miss our fun times alot.

-

To all the above-mentioned...

I love you!

randomRANDOM

2005-12-16T02:42:00.000-08:00

I'm turning into a myspace whore.

*gasp*

Apparently because I think friendster is full of boring and stereotypical malays (oh don't sue me for this "racist" comment, I'm malay as well).

And morbidbeauties is now flooded with preppy Evanescensce "goth" kids.
*rolls eyes*

-

Oh by the way, I stumbled upon a profile at myspace and guess what, this guy from Argentina used Sean a.ka. Fairygoth's (MB's owner) pictures!!!!
No worries, I've told Sean about it already.
Flaming&spamming is done. ^__^

Gosh, that guy is so imitation!

yay!!!!

2005-12-15T02:10:00.000-08:00

I've just received a parcel from USA!

Guess who it's from..

Yes, it's Tragic Black!
It's their limited edition album that I ordered a few weeks back.
I'm currently listening to it.
Awesome stuffs!
Really worth the money and the hassle of shipping.

Holy shit, I wanna marry Vision Black! Lol!!!!

I LOVE TRAGIC BLACK!!!!!!

hooray!

2005-12-13T20:43:00.000-08:00

I've just finished watching The Amazing Race: Family Edition finale.

The Linz family won!!!!!
Woooohoooo!!

They're my favourite team of the lot.
They're able to do the physically demanding tasks with ease; I mean, just look at the guys' bodies! ;D

Oh by the way, I think Nick Linz is super hot like volcano ice cream!
WhoopWhoop!
*giggles*

random

2005-12-13T04:17:00.000-08:00

"Don'tcha wish your girlfriend had a dick like me?" - Jeffree "CUNT" Star.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I just thought that line is hilarious so I thought I share.
^__^

I AM BACK!!!

2005-12-12T00:37:00.000-08:00

Guess who's back...

*skips around*

ME!
hoho.

Finally got 3 of the pins removed! Phew. But boy, it hurts quite abit. Need injections to ease the pain.And doc kept taking my blood everyday! Aiyoo, no blood left liao! Lol! Jk.
It's actually to check the calcium level in my body cos doc injected it into my bloodstream, in order to strengthen the bone.
(Fuck osteogenesis imperfecta)

Oh! My dear lamb visited me! He got me a kitty plushie.. awww...It's staring at me right now lol! I named him (or is it a her? lol) after sado lamb.
Guess what's the name..
Yeah, 'sado'. LOL!
Oh well, I like that name anyway. It's Japanese.
Woot!

Alright I'm so lazy to type so much here.
I'll be ranting more at my LJ though. =P
Anyhow, all is well.
Need to see my doc again next week. *sigh*

HIATUS

2005-11-29T17:02:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna be on HIATUS from tomorrow till God-knows-when.

Getting some of the pins removed.

Take care, fiends, don't be emo okay?
Au revoir, oi oi!

p/s: HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARROT!

[edit]: I've changed my Friendster profile video to Malice Mizer's clip, my current favourite song.

hahahahahaha

2005-11-26T20:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Mood: Apathetic

My life is spiraling downward. I couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry concert. It sucks cause they play some of my favorite songs like "Stab my heart because I love you" and "Rip apart my soul" and of course "Stabby rip stab stab" And It doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either...like that guy from that band can do...some days you know...

I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be
You'd be non-conforming too if you look just like me
I have paint on my nails and makeup on my face
I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs
Cause I feel real deep when dressing in drag
I call it freedom of expression, most just call me a fag
Our dudes look like chicks and chicks look like dykes
Cause emo is one step below transvestite

Stop my breathing and slit my throat
I must be emo

I don't jump around when I go to shows
I must be emo

I'm dark and sensitive with low self esteem
The way I dress makes everyday feel like Halloween
I have no real problems but I like to make believe
I stole my sister's mascara now I'm grounded for a week
Sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies
I can't get through a Hawthorne Heights album without sobbing
Girls keep breaking up with me, it's never any fun
They say they already have a pussy, they don't need another one

Stop my breathing and slit my throat
I must be emo

I don't jump around when I go to shows
I must be emo

Dye in my hair and polish on my toes
I must be emo

I play guitar and write suicide notes
I must be emo

my life is just a black abyss... ya know..it's so dark. And it's suffocating me, grabbing a hold of me and tightening its grip, tighter than a pair of my little sister's jeans...which look great on me by the way.

When I get depressed I cut my wrist in every direction
Hearing songs about getting dumped gives me an erection
I write in a live journal and wear thick rimmed glasses
I tell my friends I bleed black and cry during classes
I'm just a bad, cheap imitation of goth
You can read me "Catcher in the Rye" and watch me jack off
I wear skin tight clothes while hating my life
If I said that I like girls I'd only be half right

I look like I'm dead and dress like a homo
I must be emo

Screw xbox I play old school Nintendo
I must be emo

I like to whine and hate my parentals
I must be emo

Me and my friends all look like clones
I must be emo

My parents don't get me ya know. They think I'm gay just because they saw me kiss a guy....well, a couple guys ...but still, I mean it's the 2000's, can't two...or 4 dudes make out with each other without being gay. I mean, chicks dig that kinda thing anyways. I don't know diary, sometimes I think you are the only one that gets me...you're my best friend.

---------

That's pure genius and damn-right hilarious.
Offended?
Aww, you poor emo kid... *hands a tissue paper*
Go cry now. Shoo!

p/s: I don't dig guys making out with each other unless they're really gay.

Have a nice weekend!

so surreal

2005-11-23T13:57:00.000-08:00

As of today and at the very time, the status of the prose I submitted at DeviantArt which was entitled Pain For Pleasure (no, there's no link to Sum41, Ben!) is...

Viewed: 206 times.
Downloaded: 16 times.

Oh my fuckin God!!!!
*faints*

That is quite a shocker, considering that I didn't want to submit that piece cos I think it sucks(but mom insisted that I should).
Anywho, for those into Erotic stories may want to check that out.

But I don't think it's of any good.

Well, I don't know. Who am I to judge my own work?
I'm never satisfied with what I've done. I've always wanted better.
It's in my nature to want to achieve more; and not settle in with satisfactory.

-

So anyway, my stay at DeviantArt had been good so far.
Thanks to Suria for requesting me to join and giving me tips and encouragement. And also thanks to Iqah, for pestering me to join. HurHur. Btw, Iqah is my arts' #1 fan. Whoop! Whoop! I LOVE YOU, BABE!
And.. erm.. Benji and Sado Lamb... They're my art critics.

-

Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb *baaaa*

That's random.
Don't ask.

cry in deep red

2005-11-18T15:04:00.000-08:00

I think I sleep too much. I need like at least 12 hours of sleep or I would get cranky throughout the day. I know, that is so baby-like. But it's the truth.

Eat + Sleep = Good life. The motto JY and I created.

I'm so lazy to eat lately. I just wanna drift away into ZZzzzz-land. Eating, I'll leave that to JY. He's the God of Eatery. And yes, I am the Goddess of Sleeping.

Then in the late afternoon, I would get sleepy again. Maybe because I'm bored, with nothing to do. Well, there isn't much that I could do in this condition anyway. *rolls eyes*
Hence, the laziness.

-

I watched X-Japan's Kurenai Live vid last night. It was so awesome. Toshi's vocals were amazing! Live or not live, he pulled it off really well.
Now, that's what I call... talent.
And hide's guitar riffs were hands-down great.
Sad that he died.
Heh. Even Jap PM Junichiro Koizumi love them.
Hmm.. wonder if our PM listens to homegrown bands. Erm.. Pug Jelly?
Hahahahahahaha!! *Ling, remember what we did to them? hehe*

-

I've changed the video on my friendster profile. It's now Dir en Grey's Cage.
Woot! Woot!
Sado's favourite song. *baaaaa*

I love to yakk yakk yakk at a dead blog

2005-11-16T15:29:00.000-08:00

Japanese Avant-Garde Metal soooo rocks!!!
Or should I say Japanese bands are sooooo good?
For those who had not tried any Jap bands and think it's ridiculous to listen to Japanese songs cos you don't understand...
..Goddammit! There's always google and yahoo search engines, just search for the English translation lah! Why so le gong?

-

Mom cooked chicken curry today. How enticing!

-

How come MB is turning like VF now?
So many preps and wannabe goths. Evanescence fans claimed to be goths.
That's not too bad, actually.
It irritates me when I've read their 3 foot long profile and commented, well, long enough just so to prove that I've read the pro and like, wanna be their friends or something...
.. guess what they replied...

"Hi awesome pro, cool pics. 10" or just a short&simple "Thanks."

Like, wtf??
I read their fuckin long profile and gave intellectual worth-your-time comments and they replied only that?

MB is turning into VF. So rate-faced.

Oh I noticed something too. There are a couple of people who would leave the same comments to everyone they'd commented on.
Rate-faced!

-

And friendster...
That's such a boring site. Too many wannabe goths and emo "scene" kids. Whattteverrr.

-

I think I rant too much.
I might get sued.

-

Ooohhh.. scary.

to whom it may concern

2005-11-13T16:52:00.000-08:00

That's it, I've had enough!

Whoever you are 'anonymous' or Ana or whatever your name is, please don't flood my tagboard with nonsense like such.
If any of you readers got any conflicts with my friends, don't take it out here.
In this case, it's my friend, 'sado'.

I don't care what you think of him. If you think he got some attitude problem, to me he doesn't. He treats me with respect and I got no problem with his attitude. I seriously don't care what history you have with him. As much as you might hate 'sado' and by seeing him tagging my tagboard annoys you, then jolly well click the [x] button, leave and never come back.
Because he is my friend and he is welcome to tag.

-

I hate fights happening on my god-forsaken blog!
If you're not happy with any of my friends, here's a suggestion.... why not go tell them in the face, yes?
If you enjoy picking up fights, please, this is not the battle field.
This is a blog!
A blog is where one (the owner) expresses his/her feelings. Welcomed to be read by others but please respect the owner.

-

And for those who dislike me, just shoo ok?!
I don't care if you hate me or what cock! This is me. Love me or hate me; I'm here to stay.
If you don't like reading about a girl with a leg that's shorter than the other, and her woebegotten life; her sorrow and sufferings, I suggest you leave.
Quietly.

-

I'm not here for fame or sympathy or fights.
I am here to spill out my innermost feelings. My sorrow, discontent, anger, loneliness and happiness.
Because I don't have a social life. And I, pathetically, have only one friend in this world that loves me for me, basically noone else to talk to.
Hence, I created this blog.
So I have a place to vent my feelings.
A source which could never speak to me. A source which would 'listen' to what I've got to say without cutting me off or leaving me dangling alone in my loneliness.

-

So please, I'm asking you people nicely, go away if you're only here to start a fight or talk shit about me or my friends.
I don't need your goddamn comments.
Thank you!

rosenrot oh rosenrot

2005-11-10T16:39:00.000-08:00

Hello once again, dead bloggie and my beloved blog readers.
There is no emo rant today, no worries. =)

So anyway, I went for my monthly checkup today. Good news!!!!

Some of my pins will be removed on 30th this month. Woo-fuckin-hoo!!!!!!
*shakes bootie*
Oh man, this is what I've been waiting for so long. It's such a pity that I have osteogenesis imperfecta, my bone happened to grow slow; unlike normal people, they would probably recovered by now.

Okay, that aside.
Though it's just some of the pins removed, at least it's better than having 7 massive pins sticking on me. I can sit and move about better, or so to speak.
So I'll be admitted on the 30th and operated at the same time. Oh, doc said he'll be injecting calcium onto my leg too, to help the bone formation. Well, the 3 bottom pins are not gonna be removed cos the lower bone isn't strong yet.

Lets just hope nothing goes wrong, yes?

-

I love my bro!
He got me Rammstein's Rosenrot Limited Edition album yesterday. Yippeee!
That album is good. Can't beat Reise Reise but it's still good.
There's a dvd included (limited edition, duh). With live performances of Reise Reise, Mein Teil and Sonne. Kickass isn't it?
Danke, Ling! It's all because of her recommendation. Danke, once again!

Ich liebe dich, Till!
Stirb nicht vor mir!

-

Excerpt from one of the songs in Rosenrot. This line is so nice.
"Ich liebe dich. Ich liebe dich nicht. Ich liebe dich nicht mehr. Ich liebe dich nicht mehr oder weniger als du."

Oh man, I love German.
Ling, faster get online! Lets talk broken German to each other. =P

this, I hate.

2005-11-08T15:02:00.000-08:00

As much as I would love to think that I'm a ~~recovered~~ Borderline, I guess that sickness is still in me. As often that I would laugh and smile and joke around, deep inside I just feel like breaking down.

It's back.

But no way in hell am I turning back to cutting. Neither will I go back to consuming prozacs. I don't need it.

I still hate my life.
I still hate myself.
As much as I'm trying to learn to accept fate, the fact that I'm still different from others still haunts me. As a matter of fact, I can never lead a normal life like others. Yeah, so what when I've recovered from the surgery I can walk better? SO WHAT???? I still have that motherfuckin brittle bone illness. I can fall anytime and break a bone, then I have to start suffering all over again.

It's fuckin genetic. I know I will pass it my kids one day. And they will have to suffer just like I did for the past 17 years plus.
And I will be fully responsible for causing it.

If that happens, I will never forgive myself.

-

To all you normal people, appreciate your goddamn life! Appreciate the fact that you don't have to stop school like almost every year cos you keep fracturing your body parts. I did. I entered kindergarten a year later than 1987 babies. I did not go to school for part of kindergarten2, part of primary2, part of primary4 and the whole year for primary 5!
And now, I have to wait another year before entering tertiary education.

I feel so detached from the world.

-

You know, I really should have died when I overdosed myself last year.

-

Don't tell me that you understand. Because you don't. You really don't.
Noone does.
Not even my parents or my brother.
Not even JY, my utmost closest buddy.
Noone understands my situation.

Well, unless you suffer from osteogenesis imperfecta.

-

If only I could sleep forever.
Oh Gott, gib mir Kraft!

another boring life left to be led

2005-11-05T17:20:00.000-08:00

Hello again. I'm so bored so I thought I do some ranting here. :)
Wanted to do some photo manipulation but couldn't find any stock photos that gives me the "damn I know exactly what to do with this one" kinda thought. Err.. you know what I mean?

-

Speaking of photo manipulation, I did one yesterday and posted it on my DeviantArt page (yes, I have DA now). I'd let the owner know that I've used her photo as base. She liked it actually.
Though my airbrushing skills like so hancur. But she actually thinks it's nice!
Buta ke pe? Lol!
I'll try again with airbrushing once I've found a splendid stock photo.
Also, thanks to Suria for not being selfish and giving me tips, encouragement and links to numerous tutorials.
Most of my friends whose photoshop skills are good are so goddamn selfish that they didn't wanna teach me, or at least provide me some links to tutorials or whatnot.
Oh, Iqah... she gave me links too.
Oi!! Join DA jugak lah...

-

Finally, Paul and I are on talking terms again.
I was wondering why he hadn't got online as often as before or why he didn't leave me any messages at MB. I kept wondering if I had upset him. And you know what, when I talked to him today, he told me that he thought he had upset me. LOL! XD
I know, how silly of us. Whereas, noone was upset at anyone.
I missed you so much, you English version of Marilyn Manson! Ngehehehe.

-

My relatives just called, they're coming over. Ugh!
Hari Raya is so annoying.

-

Okay, the COB vid that JY asked me to download is finally done. Yippeee!
Gonna see Alexander Kuopala flipping his hair. So sexy.... NOT! Lmao!
I'd rather see Alexi Laiho's buck teeth!
Had fun chatting with JY today. What only dynamo and nippon paint all come out!
And oh... buttcrack king! *inside joke* Ngehehehehe.

-

Gonna watch the vid now.
Au revoir!

sing the sweet song of despair

2005-11-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

To all my Muslim friends...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!

Hope all of you will have a kickass Hari Raya (which I know I won't).

-

I feel like shit.
And don't shoot me with the "I know how you feel" because you actually don't!

-

I did another layout.
Theme: Vampyre Erotica/Bondage.
Credit to Shakir for the idea.

-

You think I'm gonna post it up here?
HAHAHAHAHAHA
You're dead wrong!
Those who knows my LJ, go take a look cos I post it there instead.

-

Oh by the way, Marilyn Manson's gonna have a new album. No joke.
I read the freakin article.
YAY! I cannot wait for it. But then again, with no Twiggy and John 5, MM will be less fun.
Bah!

happy halloween

2005-10-31T19:11:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!

Hmm.. how come no horror movie on tv? Stupid Mediacorp.
They should show those old horror flicks. Those were ace! Or Asians' ones! Asians' horror flicks are thousand times better than Westerns' ones.

Oh, next year Halloween.... watch out for 2 spooky girls around town. Ling and I will haunt you down.

-

Hari Raya is coming. How boring.
People are coming over my place seeing me in this horrible state. Oh how embarrassing!

-

I need a new goddamn camera. Like so badly!!!
I need it before February arrives.
Bah!

androgynous

2005-10-30T14:47:00.000-08:00

http://www.myspace.com/jeffreestar

That's the MOST beautiful man I've ever seen in my entire life!
He makes me cream my panties like WHOA!!!!
And his makeup skill is soooooo wayyyyy better than a woman's.

I shall now strive to have makeup skill like him.

But I doubt will I ever look as pretty as him. No way! He's too pretty.
No, he's beautiful!

-

Okay, I lied.
He's way beyond beautiful!

-

I've realised that androgyne guys do turns me on.
I mean like really androgyne. Be really like a lady, not just by wearing girl's pants (hint: emo kids).

-

Oh, did you watch Full Circle last night?
Holy crap, Leroy is soooooo gorgeous!
Fuck those people who underestimate them!!!

some short rant

2005-10-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

Oh guess what, mom told me there's a center, just like the Biopolis, only difference is that it's for those film, animation and things like that.
Now I stand a chance to get to learn what I like.
And I'll prove to everyone that I have talent and I'll make it.
Shut up and watch!

I'm gonna miss you

2005-10-28T19:54:00.000-07:00

I suddenly feel like ranting here. So if you're the kinda person who hates reading sad stuffs, please help yourself and click that [x] and leave, thank you.

I am so fuckin sad!!!!!

My godmother, Maria (the Fillipina whom I met at ttsh lol) is leaving Singapore FOREVER! She had made up her mind to return to Manila.
Omfg!!!!!
That's the saddest thing I've heard for so long. I was all emo and crying alone while texting her.

Why is it when I've met someone so nice and understands me, he/she had to leave one day???
This is so unfair! Really. Totally unfair!!!!!!

She was the one who made me appreciate life, who made me wanna live and be strong and get through my shitty life. She was the one who made me believe in God once again. She was the one who made me a better person.

And now she had to leave me?
Fuck!!!!!!

MARIA MANALO, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!
*cries*
How could she be so thoughtless and cruel? Leaving me in this shithole where everyone is against me, where everyone is nice to me IN FRONT and then speaks bad of me.
She promised to take me out when I've recovered. She promised to go shopping with me, to go cinemas with me, to go for haircut with me. SHE PROMISED!

*sigh*
She said she might try to work at other countries because she thinks Singapore is too stressful and demanding.
I have a weird feeling that some shithead Singaporean must have treated her bad. I mean, everyone in ward 12C treats her like an alien, instead of a staff nurse.

I'm so fucking pissed!
First it's Stevo. Now is her.
Urgh!

-

I just hope she'll have a safe journey home. And hopefully she'll get a better job elsewhere.
She'll always be my hero. <3
Maybe when I'm all strong and have money, I'm gonna visit her at Manila, or wherever she'll be working by then.
One more thing, lets just hope badly that she won't forget me.
I'll haunt her email inbox to make sure she doesn't.

-

"I love you. Live life to the fullest. Show the world that you have talent. And I want you to know that you'll always be in my heart. Wherever I go, memories of you will linger on me. God bless you! I'm gonna miss you alot!" - Maria.

She said that on her last message.
Dammit, I'm so emo, I'm gonna cry.

whattttteverrrrrr

2005-10-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

I'm chatting with my best buddy JY. Giving him exam tips.
Aww, suddenly I feel so smart. LOL!

JY: what did you get for E maths?
Me: C5. I wanted a B4 though.
JY: but you did well for your A maths right?
Me: B3. it's supposed to be the other way round.

Okay seriously, A Maths is wayyyy more easier than E maths.
No joke.

-

I just saw the display pic of "shower guy".
He was.. erm.. smiling. And it looks fake too. LOL!
Kinda like a...
:
:
:
:..... constipated face.

ROFL!

sick sick sick

2005-10-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why guys love to hit on "goth" girls.
I have too many useless malay guys flooding my friendster inbox, wanting to know me and asking for my number (even though they're not even in my list or even bother adding me).

Gosh, what thick skin they have!

There's MATS, HIP HOPPERS, SELF-PROCLAIMED SATANISTS BLACK METALLERS and of course, the most horrid... EMO KIDS!
Here's some excerpts from various scenarios from the above-mentioned malay guys from all difficult groups.

#1- Black metaller: HAIL SATAN! boleh kenal2? you look gothic, and interesting. I nak kenal2 dengan you. boleh I mintak you punyer number? pasal I tak slalu check mail. so boleh you kasi I number you?

Ini budak bodoh ke pe? Aku manusia bukan SATAN! No way am I ever gonna give him my number. Tak senonoh betol budak ni. Btw, in his profile he said he's a satanist. Wth?! You know, and most satanist I know have a religion (yes, a muslim). I mean, WTF? A satanist means you believe in satan and his powers and worships him. But if you're a muslim, isn't that contradicting? It beats the purpose of being a satanist!

#2- Hip hopper: Hi, boleh kenal2? You cute lah. You gothic eh? Boleh I kenal2 dengan you? Name I _____. I suke gi clubbing, minat lagu hip hop, rap, rnb, I like mixing music with turn table. Amacam? Boleh kenal2 tak? Kasi number ke.. boleh?

Babi punyer jembalang! Gi mampos lah dengan kau punyer clubbing and your atrocious hip hop!

#3- Emo Kid: Hi, boleh kenal2? I see you mcm interesting, cool and cute.. gothic eh? I suke ah. I want to know you, can? Ni number I **** ****. Call I lah sometime k?

Sape nak call kau siol??? Go fuckin cry lah bacin! Or wear girl's pants and comb your hair till your face is hidden, bloody idiot!

#4- Mat: Haluuu.. boleh kenal2? You mcm gothic jek.. gothic eh? Leh I mintak number you? I nak kenal dengan lagi rapat. Leh tak?

Tak boleh, Mr tappered pants!

#5- "Just a normal guy": Hey I nak kenal2 dengan you. You seems gothic. I like goth girls. Cos goth girls are HOT! Call give me your number? I want to talk to you on the phone some time.

THE MOST SICKEST ONE I'VE HEARD! Fuckin hell! Just for looks. So if you see my fucked up leg, Í bet you'll run a 1000 miles. Bah!
I am 110% that these kinda guys change girlfriends like change underwear.

Oh btw, did you notice? All of them use the same pick-up line.
"Boleh kenal2?"

LMFAO!!
ROFL!!!
LOL!!!!! XD XD XD

Lamest pick-up line in the history of men hitting on women.
Simply low class.
Enough said.

p/s: which is why I am not interested in malay guys.

Deutschland ist wunderbar

2005-10-22T23:40:00.000-07:00

I soooo want to improve my German language, apparently I speak broken German.
I don't know why I'm so attracted to its language when everyone else is much more interested in French or Spanish (according to them it's a sexy language).

Not only the language, everything about Germany turns me on.

Maybe because I grew up watching World Cup and supporting Germany, (yes, hot&sweaty German studs running around the field) like as if I'm a full-pledged German. Not too mention, I prefer Bayern Munich than any other soccer team on this planet. O_o
Okay bad reason.

More reasons to why I like Germany.

The freaking hot like whoa German sports car, 1971 Volkswagen Karmann Ghia. OMFG! That is such an orgasmic-looking car, I tell you! Antique, sleek and sexy.
Then there's the boys. Yeah, German boys.
I had a crush on a German guy before. God, was he hot! Lol! One thing I like in them is that they're firm. You know, the kind that knows what he wants and how to get it.
Rigid men = turn on.

Then again, reminds me of hot&sweaty men who runs around the field. *drools*

Next, the history. Now tell me, how can you not be fascinated by their history?
Hitler... hmm rigid... fascinating.
But of course, he isn't such a turn on with that stunted moustache plastered on his face, as compared to the hot&sweaty men who runs around the field.

And of course, how can I ever forget about their music.
Goddammit, all the great bands come from Germany!
Rammstein, Kreator, Fragments of Unbecoming, Helloween, Avantasia, Blind Guardian, Edguy, Hanzel und Gretyl, Scorpions... ahhh so many.. so many!!

Oh before I forget, next year World Cup at Germany. YAY!!!!
You know what that means, a hell lot of hot&sweaty men who runs around the field!!

I think I should end this entry before I start being horny.

Gute Nacht!

p/s: Bitte geben mir einen deutschen Jungen.

so close yet so far

2005-10-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

Upon reading Lady Raven's blog (about her wanting a girlfriend to tag along with for a haircut or whatnot), I realised that I need one too. I don't have a friggin girlfriend to accompany me for shopping or to pamper my vain self. It's always either I go ALONE or with my MOM.
Fuck, did you hear that? With MY MOM!
An 18 year old still hang out with mom. Go everywhere with mom. Gosh, that's so quirky. Girls my age are always out with friends and/or with their boyfriends. And I'm like... with MY MOM.
Omg, sooo... 8 year old. =X
And my plan to get my hair streaked purple will most probably be done ALONE. No way am I ever gonna bring mom along. She'll probably freak out. LOL! XD
*sigh*
What a lonely life!

-

I've decided to make a list of the bands I really love. So here goes it:
1) Marilyn Manson. DUH!
2) Malice Mizer. Fuck yes, I'm gonna cosplay as Mana. Weeeeee!!
3) Rammstein. Ich liebe Dich, Till!
4) Inkubus Sukkubus
5) Jack Off Jill. Though they're like so... dead.
6) Nightwish
7) Misfits. I had a devil lock hairstyle before okay. Go shit yourself!
8) H.I.M. I will marry Ville. Hurk hurk. Jealous? Haha!
9) Lamb Of God
10) CONVERGE!!!!!

-

I found out that Paul actually loves MCR!
Ling, if you're reading this, I know you're uber shocked to know that. But seriously, he does love MCR. Omfg! WHY?????

On a lighter note, Gabriel is so against emo.
YAY! I love him!!!!!

-

Oh by the way, I'm loving photoshop more than ever now.
It's my new bestfriend. YIPPEE!
At least now I can kill time while being stranded at home while waiting for recovery.
I'm gonna do edit pic of Benji now.

Later, alligator!

the emo slayers

2005-10-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

I am talking to Ling right now. And guess what, we're actually planning on what to do together when we finally meet. That's like quite some time but wth we were bored so we decided to fast forward the planning lol!
So here goes.

Ling will, without a doubt, wear corpse paint. While I, will wear drastic wicked deathrock makeup. Fuck, I soooo wanna get back in the scene. That's like the most underground scene ever. Don't believe? Just count how many Singaporeans are actually deathrockers.
Some goths don't even know wtf is deathrock. HAHA so much for being a goth!

Anyhow, back to the plan.
We'll walk around town wearing like that. I know it's fuckin insane, but we're gonna do it for the thrill of scaring people around. I bet the emo kids will cry upon seeing us . LOL! *inside joke*
Also, we're gonna haunt Long John Silvers. Haha that place consists of stuffs with an attitude problem. We're gonna create chaos. All hell will break loose.

-

Having crap session with Ling right now about having our own Fear Factor. And if the contestants are full of emo kids/wannabes/mats, there'll be more gross acts to be done. Biased? I know. And we love it. Make sure those emos will cry their eyeballs out of the sockets! LOL XD

-

Excerpt from the chat on one of the challenges:

LingNemesis. says:
like erm, slashing wrists! to decide to the number of slashes, the emo kid must throw a ring onto the number mat thingy blindfolded
LingNemesis. says:
haha the mat will be all "20 slashes' cheat them!
LingNemesis. says:
we'll replace the mat

-

If you happened to be an emo kid and is offended, well, what can I say?
Ling and I are emo slayers LOL! XD

whatever.

2005-10-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

I was just reading Lady Raven's blog and I definately gotta agree with what she said about being a muslim. Applause to you, my dear!

I must add this, people kept putting irritating nicks like "Happy Fasting" and "Selamat Berpuasa". Okay, that wasn't the triggering part.
It's actually when people who fast, yet they kept complaining how hungry they are.
Wth??? Just bloody fast lah, don't have to kick a fuss about it. If you can't stand it, don't fast. The important thing is, you gotta do it from the heart. Sincerely. If you keep on complaining, it's as though you're saying it's such a burden to fast. Seriously!

Wanna know what's more annoying?
Those people who complained happened to be 17, 18 years and above.
MasyaAllah, tak pernah puase ke pe? Dah tua pon maseh tak tahan. Mcm budak kecik seh! Puase tak ikhlas pon tak gune, bukan dapat pahala. Abeh maseh kutuk2 orang, lagi tambahkan dosa.

Then they'll write it in their blogs like as if it's so grand. -_-"
If they're kids, I would understand. But as old as me? You gotta be kidding.

Just a note, I'm not fasting. I have to take medications, so excuse me.

94 hours of regret

2005-10-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

Hello again, bloggie.
I went for checkup today.
Doctor said he'll remove a few of my pins next month.
Good news?
I doubt so.

-

I miss Paul.
If only he knows I'm thinking of him.

-

And so my bro finally loaned me his C.O.B vcd.
It was greeaaattttt. \m/
I realised that Alexi has quite a hairy body.
Eek.

-

Notice that I hardly rant here?
Well, because I've found somewhere else to rant out all my fucked-upness.
Oh, oh.. after living with bro for 17+ years, now then I realised he likes to say 'bear bear'. LOL XD
Whoa, weird O.o

behind the crimson door.

2005-10-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

I was just chatting with Ling, awhile ago. And guess about what we talked about.
Yes, H.I.M! <3
If H.I.M were to come and do a show here, me and Ling will definately offer our full service to Ville. Just Ville. The rest of H.I.M, feel free to leave us three alone. Biased haha!

We'll hold a placard at Changi Airport for Ville, escort him to the hotel. Go to his show and stand right in front. Sway to his every note. Most probably we'll melt once he starts singing.
Then we'll bring him to the zoo to see Ah Meng. Oh com'on, don't laugh at us. Pity Ville, there's no Ah Meng in Finland. And since Finland is such a bleak country, he'll probably sweat so much while walking around Mandai zoo. And of course, Ling and I will wipe off his sweat. Aww...
We'll walk hand in hand; Ling on the left, while I on the right of Ville.
And of course, we'll force Ville (with love) to try the exquisite food in Singapore. Satays!!! And even the $1 ice cream at orchard road. LOL! XD

Ling found something from the web saying that H.I.M will be touring Asia.
Pray hard that they'll visit this tinyass country.
Just a stab in the dark, I think they'll probably come to Japan. I mean, com'on, every band had done Japan. Damn, lucky Japaneses, get to see huge bands playing.

p/s: Paul from England always makes me feel special. Aww... <3

I don't give a fuck if you HATE ME!

2005-10-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

My old obsession over Alexi Laiho is officially.....

...BACK!

I spent the whole day watching Hate Me live video.
Gosh, I could get orgasm by just watching Alexi playing the guitar, and screaming, and headbanging and...

...showing his buck teeth.
Aww, how cute. LOL XD

I have a one stingy ex-brutal death metal musician brother.
He owns C.O.B's vcd yet he didn't wanna lend me. Damn!
At least I could kill time by watching it, not to mention having multiple orgasms. *giggles*

But he's married.
However, it's always enticing having celeb crush. At least I know he won't fill me with false promises.

gardenia

2005-09-24T15:23:00.000-07:00

I love talking to Paul alot. It's always fun talking to him. Good to rant with and crap talk with. I soooo wanna visit him at England. Oh his sister made ragdolls of Manson and Twiggy. How cool. He'll show it to me on cam tomorrow. Yippiee!

I hate Joey cos he's so ridiculous, considering that he made me the silliest sign EVER!
I also hate Joey because he's so seductively erotic.
I also hate Joey, again, because I didn't get to bite him in real life.
I so hate Joey. But I know he's obsessed with me. *giggles*

Oh yes, Faezah's sister gets married today. Weeeeeee!!!
Best wishes, Sis! <3
Damn.. How I wish I could be there and see Sis Wati all dressed up and pretty. Bah!
Stupid leg.

I'm gonna continue talking to the sexy beast, Joey now.

Au Revoir.

in the dark.

2005-09-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

While your pain is over, mine has just begun.

Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore and watched you as you drowned?

Can you forgive me?
I never knew the pain you carried deep inside of you.

-

WOOT!
Mopping season is back, people!
You know what to do.
(stay away from me)

here's looking at you.

2005-09-21T16:13:00.000-07:00

I was reading Lady Raven's post on fagster bulletin board and I came across something that tickled me.

"Who is your hero?:
keluangman. ok, bad joke. i dunno. really"

LMFAO! keluangman!
for those who don't know, keluangman is actually Malaysia's very own 'batman' cartoon.
only difference, wayyyy more stupid and illogical lol.

moving on, I got myself a new blog at LJ.
it'll be so much better there, considering that you can put your entries under private, meaning, only those on your friends list are able to read it.
on a lighter note, all you avid blog readers of mine (if I ever had any), won't have to tolerate my offensive entries and be pissed at me.
all the 'opinions' and deep feelings will go to my LJ.

for those who wanna know the url, let me know. but then again, only some of the entries will not be under private cut. for those who have an LJ account, add me up! =D
for those not interested in reading my entries on LJ, good for you. at least you won't have an involuntary action of anger towards me upon reading it.

so from now onwards, this particular blog will solely be about what-happened-in-a-days-life.
which will definately be boring since I don't go out and nothing exciting will happen, also because my lovelife pretty much doesn't exist. I'm sure all the kaypohs find my blog entries such a bore to read.

anywho, I'm gonna have my lunch now. I know it's 4+ already, so late.
okay then.
Au Revoir!

vamps <3

2005-09-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

You scored as Marius. You are the quiet cool. You are so mellow people are lulled into a false sense of security. When you are pissed god help anyone who crosses you?

Marius

100%

Dracula

92%

Lestat

92%

Armand

83%

Blade

58%

Spike

58%

Deacon Frost

58%

Akasha

42%

Louis

42%

Angel

33%

Whose your Vampire personality? (images)
created with QuizFarm.com

WOOT!!!! I so rock! I scored as Marius! =D
Ah, vampires.... they are super hot.
ESPECIALLY with that PALE skin <3.
well, except for Blade. sheesh!

like it will ever end

2005-09-18T00:07:00.000-07:00

I'm talking to Paul (Sixx Sixx Sixx) now and I am uber happy because I miss him so much.
he's THE NICEST person I've known on MB. but too bad people can't see that. they're too blinded by perfection to see that. those fuckers deserve to die, I mean it.

Gabriel just put up pics of Mana in his profile. WOOT!!!

and Jeremy... gawd, that Jeremy....
he just got himself red PVC pants. damn him! he seems to have everything, don't he?

one last note before I leave.
Kriss got to touched It Dies Today's vocalist at yesterday's gig.
OMFG! I SOOOOO WANNA KILL HIM!!!!

watching over me.

2005-09-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

today it went off to a good start.

well first off, I am back on talking terms with Luis the sizzling Hispanic stud.
time flies so fast. the last time I talked to him, he was in college and now he's done with it and is working in some import-export company. it felt like yesterday when I first got to know him. heard from Luis that Derek's working at UPS now lol!

I am currently in a jealous mode. because...
1) Jeremy (a_sin_for_him) has 2 straightjackets. and is getting a leather one soon. oh dammit! I want one too! but since he's gonna come over, then I'll just wear his and never return it back LOL! XD
2) Kris (Metal_pit_freak) is gonna see Trivium tonight. OMFG! *faints* and he's now purposely stressing on the fact that he's going whereas Craig (drumdevil) and I will just drool our saliva away. what a meanie! also, Kris gonna see Motorhead soon, along with In Flames. grrrrr!!!!

this is so unfair.

on a lighter note, I had curry chicken for lunch.
yes, I know.... CHICKEN!!!!
WOOT WOOT!!!!! =D
I know I'm silly for getting so excited over eating chickens lol.
good day to all!

ughh!

2005-09-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

I trimmed my fringe today. D-I-Y, I must add. WOOT! go me, I rock big time!!! =D
I took photos of my new hair but for some reason, I've lost my photography skills and I happened to appear kinda stiff and awful in the pics. fuckkk!
so I decided not to put any pic up on this dead blog of mine.
also, the makeup I had was horrid too. how can it not be, I mean my brother was in MY room when I was putting it on. I hate it when someone is there watching me grooming my ugly self in vain.
haha yes, I am vain. so sue me.

to add more frustration unto my puny self was none other than.... FRIENDSTER!
I was so delighted that we're able to insert videos on our profile. but somehow, fuckin satan the vid didn't appear!!!!! URGH!!!

on a lighter note, now I have blue eyeshadow. YAY!!! =D

oh man, I am so lonely online.
I MISS YOU, RINIE-CHAN!!!!!

bored.

2005-09-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'm Kyo! Which means that among my fetish
for safety pins and my odd style.
I'm a high school dropout! and see what it made me.
Find out which J-rocker you are here by !! >D

Haha! I'm Kyo! WOOT!!
But then again, I'd rather be Gackt. He's hotter LOL! XD

sigh.

2005-09-11T16:28:00.000-07:00

It kinda hurts me alot when I told someone over the net about my condition, and in return, he didn't talk to me again. not a single thing. nothing. at all.

Makes me wonder, so physical features do play a huge part in making friends afterall.
So it is such a waste for us, defected people. We'll probably never fit in anywhere if that's the case.

I wish I was never born in the first place. Or humanity were never created would be much pleasing.
Why are stereotypical 'normal' human beings so heartless?
Why can't they accept others' physical imperfections?

I wish that I could go some place else where people would accept me. But where? There's discrimination everywhere. Mr Raj was right, life is never fair.

The only people who understand what it's like to be different are Ash, Paul and Rich.
But they're so far away, goddammit!
Rich was right, "why is it that those people we get along so well and understands us so well happened to be so far away?"

Yes, I wonder why too.
You know, I have more internet friends than I have in real life. Pathetic.
Life is so thoughtless and cruel.
That goes to the creator too.

honey vanity

2005-09-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

Hello again, bloggie!!!
I am in love.
very very much in love.

with Honey Vanity lol!

what were you thinking? a boy?
sadly, no boy is trying to woo me. no boy wants a girlfriend who can't walk.

I talked to Paul (Nikki Sixx Sixx Sixx) today. another guy with defect! WOOT!!!!
I've talked to him a few times already and only today then I know. -_-"
but he's a super cool guy, considering that he had seen Motley Crue, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Marilyn Manson, et cetera.
YES, I said MARILYN MANSON!!
*faints*
somebody, GET ME OUT OF SINGAPORE!!!!!!
I am so envious of Paul.
as what Benji said "SINGAPORE IS LOUSY! they only afford to bring Good Charlotte, Simple Plan and other gay bands."

agreed.

then as usual, talk to Rinie-chan. crap a little. something about 'shower guy'. haha!
remember that pic? too engrossed with showering till forget to shave his armpit hair. LOL! XD
Rin was a little pissed off today. tried to cheer her up and give her the best advise I could.
I don't know if I did a good job. I really sucked at giving advises.

I did a good deed yesterday, however. well, I think. LOL!
I stood up for Benji when some dumbnut tried to 'attack' him.
noone can mess with my friends. NOONE! if they do, I'll show them hell. *grins*

anywho, even Benji is on MB now. WOOT!!!
rate my little brother a 10, people!

conclusion.

2005-09-08T16:48:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my checkup.
good news!
doctor gonna remove 4 out of 7 pins on my leg, perhaps around next month.
YAY!
the remaining 3 will be removed another month or so.
well, at least it's better than having all 7 like now. -_-"
again, YAY!!!

man, I can't wait to walk again. no, this time, my walking will improve. and unknown asswipes won't laugh at me no more.
then me and JY can go all around Singapore for foodfest. LOL!
and Rinrin-chan and I can asobu together.
of course, my MSN metalhead crapper Ling and I can chill at cemetaries or eat satays with my foreign goth&metalhead friends.
WOOT!!!

and yes, not forgetting school.
I miss school. seriously, I do.
I wanna learn something. staying home all day every single day really is such a bore. it's not fun at all. plus, I can't move about much. add more to my boredom.

I'll end here.
Au Revoir.

bright life merry-go-round.

2005-09-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

the picture above: two of the greatest people in music industry.
disagree?
you are definately DEAF!
never heard of them?
you are DEAF and STUPID!

anywho, Rinie and I had our crapping session again today.
we talked in a formal way, which was so hilarious. plus, we even 'made fun' of how skinny Kozi is and how stubborn he is to say 'Blight' instead of 'Bright'. PELAT! LOL! XD and also about Manson who love to say 'fuck' more than anything else lol.

somehow we came up with an extremely silly theory of them being the long lost brothers. same hairstyle, same dress sense, same type of music (industrial touch to it), same style of makeup, almost same age. only one in America and the other Japan.
okay, I was just messing haha.

I am currently addicted to Honey Vanity.
sounds kinda cute lol!

one more thing I did today with Rin is, WE LEARNT JAPANESE!
WOOT!!!!
go us!

talking cock.

2005-09-06T22:27:00.000-07:00

I chat with someone that I'd gotten know at Friendster today. and it turned out that he was from my secondary school. I was completely clueless of who he is, and vice versa. I thought that I was the one experiencing a super slow brain connection of 56K rate, but I was the one who figured who he is FIRST! haha! looks like he's the 56K brain owner. LOL!
after 4 years in that retarded school, only know that we talked. super slow.

moving on, my dear friend Rinie and I were very crappy today. we talked about MONKEYS (how dare you not appreciate the cuteness of them), hairy legs, Manson, Kozi (the jap version of Manson LOL), loads about people (be it bad or good) and the best part is the putting of nicks. crappy though funny. the lamest people on the entire planet Earth. WOOT! beat that, mofos!

one last note before I leave.
I really don't like it when people talk to me like as if I've done something wrong. well, even if I had, let me know. I'm open about everything. I can handle the truth. directed to someone I know. I am kinda sad that I am being treated this way.

okay, I am done for tonight.
JY just got online, I think Imma crap with him now.

YAY FOR ME, THE CRAP TALKER!

for the love of art.

2005-09-04T19:29:00.000-07:00

I've finally met someone who shares the same passion as me for filmaking.
and I've known that person since beginning of the year.
and only today that I discovered his love for films.

BLOODY HELL, KHUZ!!!!!!
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER???
LOL! XD

anywho, we planned to make short films once I get better.
I am so looking forward to work with him.
he sent me one of the first short films he did, it was about his cat (damn fat sial), and it was real good. serious. smooth editing. fuuuyooo! flawless! he deserves a standing ovation, man.

sadly for us, noone gives us support. they said NO FUTURE FOR FILMING IN SINGAPORE.
this cannot, that cannot. then take what? science-related or business?
not everyone is book smart, you know!
like what Deepan wrote in his blog, art is the basic structure of everything.
however, ART RECEIVES NO SUPPORT FROM SOCIETY.
for the love of art, you won't get success if you don't try.
besides, you won't have TV SHOWS if it weren't for people who love scriptwriting, editing, lighting, sounds, producing, directing.. THINK ABOUT IT, CLOSE-MINDED PEOPLE!
it's not just about MOVIES. then why the hell is there even television? pffft.
give us a chance.

I wanted to join Project Pilot, but fuck, I have stupid pins in my leg. hellova bummer!
it's okay, try next year lol!
bah. I love media arts so much.

dear dead God, I wish to be an editor.

okay, I shall end it here.
Au Revoir!

bounded by despair.

2005-09-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

don't tell me what to do, what to feel, what to think; when you are not right here in front of my eyes to witness the pain I'm going through.

noone knows except myself.

I don't need anyone to tell me "I understand how you feel" or "I care about you."

ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE FAKE!

how can you understand when you have not undergo it?
how can you care when you have not shown it?

LIARS! FAKES! PRETENDERS!

FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!!!

why did God ever made mankind? *sigh*

prick!

2005-09-02T23:45:00.000-07:00

someone from MB.com added me and he said:

"do you like sex? I saw your pics and you are very sexy."

URGH!!!!!
didn't he read my profile??
in the 'Fetish' section, I wrote there: "not keen on sex, however. hugs and kisses are fine, just no sex, please!!!"

well, that just goes to show that he didn't read my profile. just enjoy looking at my pics. and ask for some dirty chat. THAT'S FUCKIN DUMB AND SHALLOW!
die, you motherfucker! DIE!!!!!
I don't entertain such craps. desperate prick!

on a lighter note, fellow Coma wrote to me today. in case you're a slowpoke, I am Coma White and he (the person who wrote to me) is Coma Black. haha! two great songs by Manson came to life. however, Coma White is way nicer than Coma Black. LOL! XD
oh, he asked me something that tickled me. he asked how's my village like.
HAHA! yeah, VILLAGE!

we don't have any villages in Singapore, Ash. no kampungs at all.
okay, maybe just Kampung Glam.
LOL! XD

talked to Malachi (that's not his real name) just now.

Him: I wish I could like, own you >.<
Me: are you all drawn to me? lol
Him: yes. are you to me?

okay, I'll end it at there. no further peep into my lovelife. hehehe!
eat + sleep + Malachi = FUCKIN AWESOME LIFE.

Gute Nacht!

New Layout.

2005-09-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

Hello bloggie, do you feel better after I changed your layout? aww.. you did? Good.
well, you ought to be!
because it's soooooooo pretty!!!!!

THANK YOU RINIE!!! *bows down*
I am utterly grateful that you took up so much time to do up the layout for me.
*hugs&kisses*
MERCI! ARIGATO! DANKE! GRACIAS! SHUKRAN! XIE XIE NI!
plus, whatever other languages to thank you.
<3

now now people, you MUST treat my dearest Rin nicely.
or I'll bite!
*grins*

Uber und Aus!

2005-08-30T18:19:00.000-07:00

I hadn't been updating much. well because..
1) nothing interesting to talk about.
2) as everyone might probably guessed it, just plain LAZY.
yes, the lazy syndrome is spreading ultimately fast. now Ling is suffering from it. haha! she will recover from it only when she get to shove satays down Ville's throat. HAHAHA! it's an inside joke, pardon me.

I've always admire languages. I find it extremely beautiful, not to mention interesting.
right now, I am very much in love with the German language. I have a great mentor too. whoelse if not Mr Till Lindemann. if you do not know who on this emo-addicted planet that is, GO SMACK YOURSELF WITH A BASEBALL BAT! YOU DESERVE TO DIE! *grins in an evil manner*

Friendster is pissing the hell out of me. the uploaded pics won't appear until the next day, same goes for the bulletin board. not too mention that the site is filled with unnecessary nonsensical people who do nothing else but cry, who cut themselves for attention. when does stupidity ends? self-injury is now like a trend. such horrid tragedy!
when I first hurt myself in 1997, I thought what I was doing is queer. never thought it'll end up like this. I'd been clean for 8 months now. hope to be clean forever. it's scary to even think of picking up the blade and press it down my skin, again.

I kinda regret it actually. now each time I came across someone's profile with photos of self-injury, I get very disturbed. it's very haunting.
I get very teary-eyed when I meet any suicidal people. people who hated their life so much. people who had a long-term trauma. BUT I DO NOT PITY those who are depressed because boyfriend left (suddenly the next week got a new guy, wtf?) or because it is the in-thing to be depressed. ATTENTION SEEKERS!

the above mentioned is directed to some people I know personally.
I really don't care if YOU are gonna hate me upon reading this. I'm speaking the truth. I don't believe in hypocrisy or praising others when they don't deserve it.

I think I've said too much. before I attract more people to spit shits at my tagboard, I shall leave this dead sanctuary of mine now.

farewell.

2005-08-27T06:42:00.000-07:00

MUCC's Isho = LOVE.

2005-08-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

Hello bloggie, I'm feeling hyper today. surprised? good.

chat with a couple of fun people today and it was loads of, well, fun! people who don't find me a bore to crap with. as usual, JY and I talked about food (HAHA) and X-Japan. awesome band. if you had not heard of them, dude, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EARS????
anywho, he sent me Art Of Life, a 30 minutes song. it was too long that I'd ended it even before it end LOL! in return, I sent him a few J-rock bands that Rinie introduced to me.

speaking of her, she sent me quite a number of Jap bands. not too bad. but I like MUCC and D'espairs Ray the most. the latter really captivated my ears, well, because there were screaming. reminded me of A Static Lullaby. but BETTER. the way he screamed made it sound that way, I guess. Karegou is good too. Eve Of Destiny sounded industrial, but nice. THANK YOU RINIE! you loligoth! haha! btw, Hizumi from D'espairs Ray is DAMN HOT! right, Rin? hoho.

another great person to crap with is Ling. SCHOOL OF METAL IS SO GONNA BE EVIL! *inside joke* will have our statues there as to symbolise our great effort in setting it up. if such a school ever were to exist, we'll sure love it loads. and maths will be so fuckin easy. people = shit. the easiest equation in the history of matematics! hahahahaha!

one last note.
SHUT UP MITH! YOU ARE GIVING ME THE 'NEEDS'!
okay people, don't ask.

hey, hey check this out. I'm The Cure! WOOOOTTT!! ROBERT SMITH ROCKS MY SOCKS, BRA AND UNDERWEAR!! haha! took this from Lady Raven's blog.

The Cure

Which Goth New Wave 80's Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

generation plastic.

2005-08-25T15:40:00.000-07:00

I'd just returned home from hospital for a checkup. unfortunately Dr Singh had an emergency case to attend so I had to consult another faggot.
another sad case struck when he said I still have to wait for another 3 months before all the pins could be removed. how heartwrenching that news was.

I am now in pain and pretty much upset. I am so annoyed with my fate. I am hating my condition so much now. don't tell me to get a grip. just let me mope for awhile longer.
I have since developed a phobia of having broken bones. 17 years and 8 months of living are only filled up by broken bones, pain, depression, pills, and more or pain. how sick. is that what's really worth of my existence? just pure suffering?

dad often tells me that one day I shall achieve a better life than this. I am still clinging onto those words. dad said we will never get what we want if we never work for it. dearest dad, I am working for it. dad also reminds me that God will help us in any possible way if we believe in Him and pray to Him. dad, it's not that I don't believe in Him but He just seems too ignorant of my sufferings, and yes dad, I do pray to Him. maybe He is just plain deaf.

this beat is automatic; supersonic.

2005-08-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

noone practically talks to me online anymore. okay, except JY. probably the only person who'd never gotten sick and tired of hearing my silly jokes, my violent moodswings and unsolvable whinings. 3 years of friendship, I wondered how was he able to cope up with me.
anywho, I got so bored cos noone was talking to me, I decided to pierce my lip myself. cool? yeah I know. go me! however, due to my uber laziness, I'd probably neglect it just like how I'd neglected my ear piercings last time and had to re-pierced it one more time. I love piercings but I'm just too fuckin LAZY to take care of it. this 'lazy disease' must have infected me after being so close to Mr Ang Jian Yong. even he is lazy to take care of his piercings. pffft.

today my leg somehow bled. OMFG! I felt so scared. right now it's hurting. not because of the bleeding, but because of.. gosh, I don't know. the inside is hurting. ughh! seeing doctor on Thursday, hope he'll arrange the date to remove the pins. I can't take it anymore.

memories.

2005-08-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

Hello there, bloggie. I'm feeling rejuvenated today.

1) because mom bought me lollipops. YAY! lollipops always makes me super happy. no JY, that's not so primary 2. at least I have my lolli, unlike you, PLAIN CRACKERS! haha!
2) because I kept playing Hey Ya on my com. it's a very fun song. no, it's not gay to listen to it. don't step hardcore and diss it; you probably dance around to it at home.
3) because Zeromancer is fuckin awesome; THANK YOU AINI! I am utterly grateful that you introduced them to me. I'll love you forever.
4) because I won a debate with my nurse. ahh, accomplishments, what delight!
5) because an ex-schoolmate called me. YAY! felt so great to hear Huiqi's voice once again. she and her silly stories never failed to tickle me. hint: something about getting aroused by a dog. LOL! 'twas great talking to you, madamoiselle, revisiting our good old days; where we would be so damn excited upon drinking pepsi twist. HAHA! okay people, don't ask why.

sweet old memories. it's hard to relinquish those times. I miss my close girl friends. I miss burping out loud with Faezah, and seeing her sleep during science exams. LOL! I miss going to the movies with Ain after school, almost every week. I miss skipping Biology lessons with Mas (she would skip her F&N class). I miss Fadzillah singing to me jiwang songs.

friends; they mean the world to me.

I hate a sadist named God.

2005-08-21T15:07:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna use up this entire entry to fuckin whine and diss everything that's bringing me down today. so please click [x] if you do not wanna read it. thank you.

I hate being sick. I've lived for like 17+ years and I'm just so prone to sickness. be it having depression, or my chronic osteogenesis imperfecta. even if I were to recover from my leg surgery, I will always be fragile. I still can't do what normal people can do. I still have to be alert at all times so noone fuckin push me down.

I hate people asking me "so now you can't walk?"
fuck yeah, I can't walk.
the pin implant on my leg is fuckin huge and heavy. okay, let me explain the whole idea of this op.
the doc cut my bones into pieces, insert 9 pins on it to hold it firm. after surgery, there was this method called 'distraction' where you will use a so-called key and turn this metal thingie. that will cause the bone to be pulled apart. the purpose is to make my leg longer. it's very painful, mind you. hence, I needed a hardcore dose of drugs. else I'll be crying in pain.

now, there's no more 'distraction'. just waiting for it to heal and become strong. hence, I could not walk. if I do, I will fuckin fracture my leg. and I have to repeat the whole procedure ALL OVER AGAIN.

next, I do not know when will I be fully recovered. so don't bother asking. I'm not a doctor, neither am I God. perhaps I still won't be able to walk on my 18th birthday.
this year, my birthday will suck real hard.
not that it had been good before; but it'll definitely suck cos I can't fuckin go anywhere.

NOW DO YOU FUCKIN UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION, PEOPLE?
I WANT TO BE LIKE YOU BUT I HAVE TO UNDERGO PAIN.
ALL YOU PERFECT HUMANS, BE FUCKIN THANKFUL THAT YOU'RE NORMAL AND STOP FAKING DEPRESSION, AND SAY YOUR LIFE SUCKS.

IT CAN'T BE ANY SUCKIER THAN HAVING STRANGERS LAUGHING AT THE WAY YOU WALK, AND TO HAVE TO UNDERGO PAIN TO GET BETTER.

Dear God, You suck big balls!

epitome.

2005-08-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

to do list for today:

1) stare at the ceiling.
2) eat.
3) sleep.
4) download songs/stare at the ceiling while waiting for it to finish.
5) eat again.
6) eat somemore
7) stare at the ceiling while listening to music.
8) sleep.

if this goes on, i'll be a fatass psycho.

dead-end girl for a dead-end guy.

2005-08-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

i was all ready to make a layout this afternoon. got my photoshop programme started up, with a black background. i knew exactly the design i wanted for my new layout. then suddenly...

WHAM!!!

i got a laziness attack.
i closed every single programmes, switched my player to a continous mode and lie down.
lie down on my beloved bed.
staring at the ceiling and do practically nothing. at all.

on a lighter note, i did something extraordinary today.
something that i don't usually got the guts to do. but i did today, however.
i made a confession.
to a boy.

okay, you get the idea.
now go away, i'm so embarrassed.

go and take everything.

2005-08-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

i wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone online today. so i ended up taking photos of my horrendous self. yes, i realised that i'm vain. however, i eventually deleted most of the pictures taken; which left me with only 5 that i actually think is good. man, somebody give me a prettier face! i felt like puking upon looking at the end-product. hah.

i made a few signs as well. made one for Amy, she's such a sweetheart to make me one though we don't really know each other. another for Aini, i'll email her the pic later, i apologise if i look awful in it. meh. the last one, is located above this entry, and it's for Luis.

*screams*

like, omg! omg! omg!!!!
I MISS YOU SO MUCH, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!
where'd you been? how's Cali now? how's college? what happened to your band?
man, i have so many things to say to you, and i don't know where to begin. heh.
but how did you get my blog url anyway?
i wrote to your site and left my old blog url; not this one.
and that was like, in early 2005?

anywho, today i had chicken, again. sunday, monday and wednesday, eat CHICKEN.
read my lips, baby..
CHHHIIIII--KKEENNNNNNNNN.
for those people who doesn't know me well, and are lost about the greal deal of eating chicken; let me just make it more vivid.
I LOVE TO EAT CHICKEN AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT EATING CHICKEN.

pity my future husband; everyday he'd to eat chicken.
what can i say, they're just yummy.

probably the best thing God ever created.

the saddest day.

2005-08-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

mom thinks it's a chore to take care of me in this kinda state.

i'd never asked for a fucked up leg in the first place.
i'd never wanted to go for surgery either.

it was you and dad who suggested it.

and now you're turning your back on me?

i'm sad.
fuck off.

pray to a god that's deaf and blind.

2005-08-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

i'm currently overly annoyed by this random human being; and of those similar to his disposition and unintellectual beliefs. reason: he added me because he thinks i'm cute; on first conversation ask for my height/weight; ask if i'd ever gotten laid.

FUCK, IS THAT WHAT YOU ONLY THINK OF?

sex. sex. sex.

go find some nymphos at Geylang, prick!

does looks really matter?
maybe it does to malay guys.
most of the malays guys that tried to hit on me goes with a low-class pickup line: "you're cute, can i get to know you?"

the answer is NO. straight-o; NO.
go ahead and think of me as stucked-up.
you only see me in photos; you find me cute/hot/pretty/beautiful; whatever else left to describe.
you think i'm fuckin stupid?
once you'd gotten to know the fact that i have a fucked up leg, you'll just fuckin disappear.
typical of malay guys.

don't say "i'm not that kinda person."
i'd not gotten such hindrance once; but countless of times.
and i'm sick of it.
so far chinese, eurasian, caucasian guys are alright.
just malays.

my own fuckin race.
my own shallow race.
you said i'm so racist and so proud to actually go for other races; at least they're not as pathetic as you people. you said it's better with someone of the same race and same religion.
what religion are you blabbering about?

ISLAM?
you don't even practise Islamic lifestyle.
you fuckin drink, you fuckin sleep around.
drop your fuckin religion, idiots!
i'm not religious; hence i don't even wanna preach about Islamic stuffs.
you kept condemning other races to have been bad; drink and sleep around.
but look at yourself.
you're fucked up as well.

and you, yes you, horny bunch of MUSLIMS, go fuck a dog.
amen.

ooo pretty.

2005-08-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

I wanna have hair like Twiggy Ramirez. must keep my hair long. put hair extensions, whatever. as long as I have it.

but if the hair extension is imported from those Indian long haired girls from India, I'mma have to reconsider. because it's really disgusting. just thinking about it, is already very disgusting.

like, totally.

topic of the day: Mr PAINT Guy.

he just wants attention that's why he ain't afraid to ridicule himself.
enough said.

hail Benji! i said HAIL!!!!

2005-08-12T23:07:00.000-07:00

http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=8392148

go check out this guy.

he's giving goths a bad name. like big time. especially with the retarded photos of his. like, wtf use the PAINT programme for the eyeliner and lips. fuckin fake.

and so my friend, Benji, flamed at him. it was extremely funny. reminds me of the time me and JY would flame at Melvin hahaha! the whole time Benji was lashing at him, i just sat here and laughed my ass off.

he said "GOTHS ARE EVIL" and said goths and wiccans are the same. WTF?! that's 2 fuckin different things, man! so Benji showed his knowledge, haha, and of course, kept stressing on the fact that he uses Paint to make him look, say, GOTH?

at least have the courage to walk into Watsons and get himself an eyeliner. WTF use Paint! if he really wanted to edit, please i beg, do properly, please! use Photoshop, not Paint. don't know, go learn. don't wanna learn, then please avoid this whole ridiculous drama!

i never really liked that guy anyway. besides the fact that he's a poser ass Paint shit, he always pester me by smsing me just to annoy me. irritating right? i just didn't know how to fuckin avoid him. i never replied his smses but he even watched me online. irritating right?

he didn't even get the hint that i don't really like him, even though i was so fuckin cold and distant to him.

maybe he's just plain dumb.

i think we did a good deed today.
don't think so?

it's either you are him or you use PAINT as well.
so sue me.

stick your stupid slogan in.

2005-08-12T15:32:00.000-07:00

last night i talked to my best bud, JY. we were just too lazy to do anything and everything. we were even lazy to get online and said Hi to humans on MSN. so we tried to list down what we actually like to do, and it's like, nothing. zero. kosong. nah uh, nothing at all. we are the laziest motherfuckers ever, man!

and so today i continued to be, yes, lazy. doing practically nothing except downloading uneducational Manson's videos. his videos are really meaningless, according to Benji. true. but i like the effects though, kinda rad (i was a shortstory film maker once okay, i represented my retarded school), and of course, his dress sense was superb as always. fashion come and go, but style remains.

the only thing that puckered me up is watching Manson's vids.

but then again, after it all ended, i get bored all over again.

i thought going to school is boring. but staying home everyday is worse. not that i think school is cool; it never is and never will be. but at least you killed half of your dull day of your pathetic life there. and me, stay home and worship Manson.

conclusion: uber dullness.

loved.

2005-08-11T15:44:00.000-07:00

a girl named Yazmin, from MB.com, made me a sign.

nice? hoho. i feel so loved. i made her one as well.

*smiles*

i absolutely love it each time people make me signs. it's really very sweet.

so make me one if you love me as well. hoho. so addicted to making signs.

the art of being confused.

2005-08-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

"life is meaningless without the threat of death."
i read that somewhere and thought to myself, why did God created us all for? maybe God is a sadist and enjoys watching others suffering. yeah, all you religious freaks are so hating me now. so sue me.

i get online often and practically do nothing but download a hell lot of songs. i do not know why, maybe it's fun. i get online and felt extremely bored upon looking at my MSN contacts. the only people that i actually enjoy talking to are JY (my best bud, duh), Rinie (she is wayyyyy better than other people i know of) and Ling Xuan (my metal goddess). i don't wanna talk to others even if they said Hi to me. maybe i enjoy being distant from humans.

i hate adding people up, and i hate being the one to say Hi There to them. and their response? some fucking attitude! maybe i'm the only one who's eager to speak to them, and they on the other hand just had to, say, respond for the sake of responding because i'm such a nuisance?

the above mentioned is based on the humiliation i faced yesterday. i do not want to talk about it but one thing i'll reveal is, i made a fool out of myself.

oh by the way, i'm beginning to, well, dislike guys.
maybe i'm turning homo.
but i still find Ville Valo super hot.

let's just settle in as a bi.

all you homophobes, go fuck a dog. thank you.

mouth like heroin.

2005-08-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

it's 9th of August, people!
wooooottttt!!!!!

HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY, SINGAPORE!

you're not special; you're just so old.

those people who goes to the Padang and wear red&white, to watch dumb ol' NDP are probably the most retarded people in the entire planet Earth. so sue me.

and MM Lee Kuan Yew, i sympathise you a hell lot. you're so, erm, old and you still had to lead this whole nonsensical beings. go take a rest and drink tea, man.

sorry, i just hate this country.

ooo... political.

Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt.

2005-08-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

just had my wounds dressed. fucking painful cos mum didn't give me painkiller.

and so i cried, after so long of not crying, i cried today during dressing. i felt like a weaklink. i can't cry anymore. i can't be like the way i used to be, all whiney and always crying. crying is for wimps. and i'm not one. i know i'm not. i'm used to pain. be it physical or emotional.

but it feels so pathetic to have to depend on drugs to kill the pain.

i shall stop complaining now.

in the words of my godmother, Maria (she's a Filipino, one hardcore Christian), "be a fighter, not a loser."

and i am a fighter; watch me defeat pain.

surreal catharsis.

2005-08-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

the coolest band ever, Tragic Black. RESPECT THEM,PEOPLE! love them since i was sec 2. always wanted a band like that. but none of my friends like deathrock. how boring! hahahaha!

anyone interested in making a deathrock band with me when i'm well?

i decided not to make a metalcore band cos it's too bloody common already.

pfft.

p/s: i happened to like J-rock as well. i think that Japanese are the coolest music lover ever!

Raz, Dva, Tri...

2005-08-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

hoho. that's me with liberty spikes, yo! taken somewhere in September 2004. rad aye? applause for my friend, Faezah who helped me style the hair and eventually almost set my hair on fire. LOL! don't ask why, hunnies. maybe when i'm all well, i'm gonna keep that hair again. just like Vision from Tragic Black. or perhaps i should go mohawk. i don't know, we'll see. but i definitely wanna have highlights or something, though my bro thinks i look like a bad girl with tinted hair. haha, shoo bro!

my ex-schoolmate asked me if i have a boyfriend now. i don't think that there's any guy would put up with a girlfriend in a condition like me. i can't go out with him. at all. so my friend said, that guy could visit you everyday. my reply, if he's sincere enough, he would but then again he will be tempted to find another girl. if you're a guy and you don't agree with me, wanna debate it out? or perhaps, you should go find a girl suffering in my situation and prove me that you won't ditch her; wait for her till she finally recovers.

words like "i'll be there for you regardless" won't do, hun.

don't you know that actions speak louder than words?

Getting High On Industrial Music, Baby

2005-08-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

one word to describe how good industrial music is. SUPERB. thank you, Aini for sending me some songs. and now i'm so hooked on it. it's all your fault hahaha. i wish i could get up and dance to it, but i can't. haha, DANCE. something which you don't get to see me do on a daily basis. i think i'll probably end up looking like a retard upon doing so.

somehow my friends had since avoided me after my surgery. maybe they HATE having a friend who, well, can't walk and complained a lot about how painful this friggin' leg is. it's not that i won't be able to walk forever. i'm in process of recovering anyway, besides, i'd never asked for a leg that's shorter than the other. it's annoying cos my movements were very limited. and if you think i complained and cried too much, you know what, why don't you step into my shoes and tell me how do you feel. if you don't have to go on morphine and regular-basis injections, and you didn't cry, you have my salutations.

pfft to such people.

Slipknot is coming and i'm so pissed that i could not go. Ling, you're one lucky bitch! take some photos of them when you're at the show, yeah? remember to control yourself, don't end up stealing their stinky sweaty masks, haha. The Bravery is performing tonight. can you believe it??? all the great bands coming when i'm in this condition.

now, now, be quiet and let me swear.

fucking pigs, why do you have to fucking come here and perform when i'm all fucked up and helpless??!!! fucking prick!!!!! BABI TOL!!!!!!!

on a lighter note, thank God, Marilyn Manson or HIM aren't coming. else i'll commit suicide just for not being able to go.

dammit, i sooooo wanna make out with Ville Valo.

M.Shadows, if you're reading this, you know i love you too, you can join in the fun.

he does read this.
i know cos he told me so.

I'm Back

2005-08-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

i'm back, people! new blog, new life, new me.
so here's the summary of the past 4 months.
operation was extremely painful. had 9 pins on my tiny right leg. then in april, doc took out 2 pins. now it's left with 7. gonna remove 4 pins in late august, before removing the rest. how troublesome. but it's for the best, i don't mind then.

here, in this particular entry, i would like to thank those few people who had visited me while i was hospitalised. god bless you all. haha, suddenly turn religious seh. no no, i'm still the same Fariza whom lotsa people hates. but who cares about them.the op actually made me a better person. thought me how to be patient and realise who are really true friends; who would really love you unconditionally. you know, now me and bro are in talking terms again. though it was real hard, lotsa tears had been wasted, i know that somehow there's good out of it. helped me battle my stupid depression.

depression is a fucking killer. depression can be put to good use,if you really look deep into your life. don't let it eat you whole, instead, you should be the one killing it. don't expect drugs to help you through or don't even bother waiting for people to come and rescue you.

YOU should be the one rescuing yourself, if you really wanna get well.take it from someone who once hated herself because she easily defeats herself by others' words. take it from someone who once attempted suicide. take it from someone who used to cut herself every hour of the day. take it from someone who's self-indulgent, who's too afraid to live her life.

i do not need anyone else to love me.

i just need ME.

Who's your goth boyfriend
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
You met	in a coffee shop
His name is	Dean
He has	spiked black hair, blue eyes
He wears	fishnets, one legged pants, combat boots, heavy black eyeliner, white makeup
You've	had false promises made to you that will never be fufilled
You'll be together	till death do you part

This Quiz by SarZ - Taken 330 Times.